“Grace cannot be weakened by anything a human being does or disbelieves. It runs on a pure thing, in spite of, as well as because of us.”
-Kent Meyers, Twisted Tree (as referred to by John Blase in All Is Grace)
Last night I finished reading a book called All Is Grace by Brennan Manning and John Blase.* This photo was taken before I finished reading it. Now the blank spaces of my journal are completely filled with quotes and notes and insights.
(*Quick side note: John happens to be my editor for the book I’m going to have published next year some time, and I told Tony recently, if I could have hand-selected an editor, I don’t think I could have picked a better one than John. He speaks my language.)
I was talking with my friend Lydia recently over coffee and we were connecting on a lot of hard spiritual questions, when she suggested a book by Brennan Manning to me. It wasn’t the All is Grace book, but the book she suggested wasn’t at our library, so I picked up this one instead. It’s the story of Brennan’s life.
I had tried to read a book of his a year or so ago and it must have not been the right timing, because I couldn’t get into it. But this book, from the start, spoke to me because it told of a man who wasn’t afraid to talk about the darkness, the mystery and messiness of life. He mentions at one point about “the thick darkness that was always behind any light in my life.” I wrote the quote in my journal and then wrote directly underneath it, “Do we all have this?”
I feel like I had to read this particular book of Brennan’s first. This book where he self-admittedly says, he shares more than he ever has before about the darker sides of his life. I have a hard time stomaching much else these days. I need to hear from authors who wrestle with God and wrestle with themselves, not just memorize proper answers and formulas and then live their whole life trying to pretend those answers and formulas work.
I love Brennan’s words, “There’s got to be more.” His life is proof that he has been on a search for it. And I’m on a search for it too. U2′s words are an aching lullaby – “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
Brennan Manning calls the grace that he has come to know a vulgar grace. When the world asked of Brennan, in regards to his “poor” life choices, “How could you?” Brennan’s response is “These things happen.” Only a man wrapped in a vulgar grace could learn to respond in this way.
I was thrilled to see quotes in the book from authors I have been sitting with over the last year, like Thomas Merton and Richard Rohr and Mary Oliver. I was excited to read about a group of men he called the Notorious Sinners whose rule was “There are no rules.” This resonated with me as I find myself drawn to my own Secret Rebel Club, a group of women who speak my language.
And I was excited to hear that while some might see his “calling” as Christian evangelism, Brennan has realized, “My calling is, and always has been, to a life filled with family and friends and alcohol and Jesus and Roslyn and notoriously good sinners.” He also says, “I am more than the sum of my deeds” and that he’s trying to finally let God love him just as he is.
This might well be my favorite takeaway from the book (although there are several) simply because it is the aching acceptance that we are who we are, with all of our flaws and flailings AND all of our successes and celebrations. We aren’t who the world asks us to be, or even sometimes, who the world assumes we are. Our calling is not to be a saint, our calling is to accept us, as is. “Today I will not should myself,” Brennan quotes a friend, and this is the life that is possible with vulgar grace.
One part of me wants to scream, “You should have exercised yesterday. And you should have spent some time writing. And you should not have yelled at your kids yesterday for the spilled cereal and spilled milk. You should not have been angry that this mess was an interruption to your art, your so called ‘real’ calling.”
But the other part of me says, “You know what, these things happen.” The reality is I don’t thrive when living by a rigid routine. I’m not a robot. I don’t use every moment “wisely.” I’m an angry person sometimes. I say mean things. I get irritable. I bristle. I yell and I knock around a few folding chairs. I sink into my private bubble or hide in my closet. You only know what I want you to. (Right,Rain?) AND YET I am still living out my calling. I’m not off track or off schedule. I’m right where I’m supposed to be. (Right, Teresa?) And therefore my faith looks like this sort of hoping rather than knowing (right, Mandy?) that there is a God who loves me just as I am, so I can love and enjoy myself and go on living out this sordid, aching, sometimes crawling, sometimes skipping higher calling of simply being Mandy. That is enough.
RIGHT.
you know, i curled up on the barnes & noble floor with this book and desperately clutched at the words in the first several pages. i couldn’t afford it at the time but knew it was one i needed…i need to get it.
so glad you *get* it.
I did the exact same thing with a Thomas Merton book.
Right! Absolutely! :: flings glitter ::: ♥
One of the many things I’ve learned from you.
I’ll have to check out that book…was the other one Ragamuffin Gospel? I’ve only recently heard of Brennan Manning in my study of the life of Rich Mullins – I’m very intrigued now and I’ll have to check out what he’s written.
The Furious Longing of God was the book Lydia was originally telling me about.
“I’m not off track or off schedule”-and hot tears squeak out from under my eyelids- thank you for the important reminder.
You’re welcome. Good for me too.
You have given me a lot to dig into – I really thought I was the only one with some of these feelings. I had never seen or heard anyone talk about it – thank you.
It’s always comforting to know we’re not alone.
Another weird coincidence: A few years ago I was told to read Ruthless Trust by Brendan Manning, but couldn’t get into it. Maybe I should try again?
Or pick another one of his books? I’m not sure I would get into Brennan’s earlier books.
Everything you wrote here resonates so deep within me. Thank you for sharing your heart. “Today I will not should myself.” Always, always should-ing myself. How I want to remember your sentiments: “You know what, these things happen.” Not sure why it is always so hard for me to remember that this life living thing I’ve been looking for is actually happening.
Thanks for your comment. Love your blog name and just read through your bio. You do have a full life to live. And your dreads are beautiful. Holding up my glass and clinking it against yours to say “Today I will not should myself.” Cheers.
Huge yes.
<3
Thanks for directing me to The Civil Wars ‘Poison & Wine’ – breathtaking. *sigh*
I so resonate with “There’s got to be more”. I ache with it, hope for it, and frankly, often cling to it.
Perhaps we’re not living if we’re not desperate at times.
Oh good. I am not alone. I get a little suspicious when someone says religion (or even Jesus) fixes everything and they no longer search or feel empty or have dark days. I get suspicious because of my own self-awareness that that just isn’t the case for me. As you said, I am desperate at times. And now I am reminded of these Jim Harrison quotes:
“I keep waiting without knowing what I’m waiting for.”
“Maybe we’re not meant to wake up completely. I’m trying to think of what I can’t remember.”
“I’m waiting for something I can’t name.”
“One of us is always empty.”
“I’m waiting for something I can’t name.” – I think this might be a very good working definition for hope. My deep within, calling out, believing in, seeking out that which isn’t named, and yet {and yet} somehow known. Beautiful mystery.
lovely words. thanks for continuing the conversation. i love sitting with this…with you.
“I need to hear from authors who wrestle with God and wrestle with themselves, not just memorize proper answers and formulas and then live their whole life trying to pretend those answers and formulas work.”
oh yes… me too… because those who try to pretend sunk me deep into depression because i could not make their answers and formulas work in my life, and what was wrong with me?… and the freeing thing is that i don’t have to make them work because they don’t work, and it’s different for everyone, and sharing our journeys and Who We Are, really, is what makes the difference and allows us that freedom to be ourselves instead of who we think we should be or who someone else thinks we should be…
by the way, i think this fits: a short film called Hip Priest that i just saw at a film fest this weekend. http://hippriest2011.artistswanted.org/yr2011
I watched the intro. I’ll have to watch the rest later. Thank you for sharing it! And yes to other’s answers not working, and it causing me to ask, “What’s wrong with me?” It also caused me to have the courage to search for what I need to live.
John’s great. You’re in good hands.
You know him? Awesome.
brennan manning came to speak at the school i was attending long ago. i didn’t get a chance to speak to him (mostly because i was 17 and unknown to myself), but the things he spoke of, and the book (Prophets and Lovers — which is now out of print, i believe) that i sat in the stacks of our school library reading and copying long passages of into my notebook set me on a course that i’ve only in recent years been able to understand. … or to begin to understand.
i need to revisit his words.
Oh, such a kindred spirit to copy long passages into a notebook. that book sounds interesting. i wonder what those copied words would say to you now?
first of all I’m a great lover of your blog, your art, your heart your thoughts. second, I have just recently been introduced to John Blase…amazing man, and what he can do with words, blows my mind. I’ve heard awesome things about your book and if you are working on it with Him i’m even more excited about it. Thank you for being so open and honest (and vulnerable) here about what you took from Manning’s book and what you’ve been working through on your own journey. There is a book called ‘messy spirituality’ by Mike Yankonely (i think that’s how you spell it) that really made me think about my own walk as well. I think its important in alot of what i read to have a real response to life, to read about people that seem to have it all together, that just makes my heart sad, cause i’ve definately never reached nor will i reach that place.
Thank you so much. I had forgotten that words like these are what brought me to you. I am going to see which of these authors are at my local library. Thanks again.