Sometimes the Ego part of me wants a chance to explain. I want to explain my actions, my words, my choices, because I surely don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want to be questioned. To be disagreed with. To be challenged. And if I am, my Ego begs me to defend it.
Sometimes to appease the Ego, or the little scared girl inside me that just wants to be liked, I unload with a list onto the lines of my journal. It makes me feel heard, valued, expressed. And it helps me do a little less defending in my actual conversations, because I know that at least I understand my intentions. Sometimes it’s enough to listen to yourself.
Other times the list helps me realize there are somethings I can’t explain, no matter how badly I want to because somehow when words get involved something gets dropped in translation. In this case the list is a visual for the things I simply know innately, on a soul level, and though I’d like to explain them, chances are it would take something away from the magic to force it into a nice, neat little explainable package.
Here’s an example of what my list might look like:
I Want to Explain:
- Why I want a break from the box of church
- Why I want to see options I’ve never seen.
- Why I don’t “serve”
- Why enough is enough
- Why I’m tired and limited and slow to commit
- Why I live and die by both/and paradoxes
- Why it’s important I love on myself
- My spiritual beliefs
- The proper time for hugs doesn’t occur to me until much, much later, and truthfully sometimes never. And yet, I love you.
- That I believe in magic enough to doubt it.
- I say yes, but I also say “as you wish” or “it is so.”
- That I am awakened enough to know there is much I do not know.
- That I get messages from God, but I could be making it all up so I can like my life and myself. And I guess I’m okay with that.
- My homeschool philosophy
- My current read
- My book
- My dreams
- My truths
- My messes
- Literature
- My art passion
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
this is good. so, so good. {do you think?} {i think that} we want to explain so much sometimes because we care about what people think, but in a way that isn’t healthy. this can have a religious twist when we start fretting about our “witness”, or it can echo codependency because we desperately want to be loved (a primal hunger).
i find that i want to explain the areas i feel insecure in, areas where others tend to judge first. i want to explain why i’m overweight. why i don’t go to church. why my apartment is a disaster. why i don’t have kids, and on and on. sometimes i even apologize for them before i can stop myself. (old habits are hard to break!) as i get older this gets less and less, and my boundaries are really strong now. i love the balance you’ve found…honoring your need by expressing it in a safe place (your journal) which then takes the edge off “needing” to share with others.
where do we start believing the strange lie that we owe people an explanation?
I have followed your blog for a little over a year now. I can’t remember how I found your blog, I just know that whatever post I read the day I found it made me want to come back for more. I appreciate your deep conversations and therefore if you ever want to verbalize those explanations I would be happy to listen, definitely because I am interested, but mostly to learn. I love to learn.
P.S. I was happy to find out a few weeks back that your family are lifechurcher’s. And I know you want to break from that mold, but I will tell you that it was that very church in Stillwater America that allowed me to be saved and find the most valuable relationship I will ever have just 3 years ago.
You always know where I am without “knowing” it if that makes sense. I believe this is what happens when we are honest. When honest we not only speak of ourselves but find mutual identification with others. You see I too desire to explain my choices recently yet the one I desire to speak with denies me. No matter how deep I swim they continue to see me on the surface. I am finding peace through scripture & from that also here and a couple more places I feel not only heard but responded to. We all desire affirmation. We all need the vertical & horizontal. I have been praying for you. So glad we meet in the comm.ent box. I am more comfy here than in most “live” relationships. This was a great one!
I think finding peace in your journal is such a wonderful idea.
I know for me, the conversation of defense not only comes from ego but insecurity. Insecurity is not my friend. It makes me cave to feelings that are not trustworthy. Insecurity often traps me into thinking that I have to defend my decisions, compare, and judge the decisions of others. This is a great message and I relate to so many lines that you listed.
I woke up this morning & realized I’m still confused about yesterday. & then I read this post. & thought it would help, but I’m still confused.
I decided I’m not going to ask any questions. I’m going to let things sit as they are and maybe the lightbulb will go on in my head soon.
Love.
Sometimes I feel as though I am going to be eaten alive unless I explain. The need is a force. I’ve been working for years to keep my mouth shut and like you found the need to put it outside of myself, whether in journal or a few people that are safe to process with.
I love your list, there is something so vulnerable and alive about what you want to explain.
Maybe we want to tell the world “why” because those are the areas that matter to us. I find myself having plenty of opportunity to talk about bullshit, as the superfluous seems to be the only things people ask about regularly!
i legit love this post and the freedom of being able to put to pen what i want to explain or defend when it’s not always possible or necessary to do so in person. beautiful. so much that i want to explain…
We should all have an explaining party! So much I want to explain too. Overwhelming sometimes, isn’t it? And not always someone to listen… Always paper, tried and true. Always words here, freeing and validating our truths.
It hit me the other day – and I wrote it out – that I have stopped trying to explain myself. As much as I want to sometimes, the explanations just take more out of me than I have to offer. Living requires my full attention, so it is best for me to live fully justified and let the Spirit take care of my sanctification. It keeps things real.
You are SO on to SO much on this journey of yours, friend. I’m incredibly glad you share it. You give me courage to open up.
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