For 2012 I have chosen the word vulnerable. Over the past few weeks I have been collecting tools for this journey:
I’ve packed a metaphorical bag with headphones to listen to my theme song.
And I purchased a visual artistic reminder (from Jerrod) that hope is for the birds, so this year I’d best be sprouting vulnerable wings.
I’ve certainly packed my field journal, emblazoned with a fabric V on its chest, to remind me that my fragility is my paradoxical strength. I will conduct experiments and collect vulnerable data on these pages.
As I spot other visual reminders of my word, I will document them with my camera so I won’t forget.
Brene’s Ted Talk will be on repeat for me this year.
And I have the phone numbers for a few close friends written on a scrap of paper in case I should need some help. (I will most certainly be needing some help.)
I’ve made a working list of why I want to become vulnerable:
- To not be so quick to judge the crumbles, chips, cracks & peels of my life.
- To be authentically me.
- To show others the value I see in them.
- To learn not to cower when I make a mistake, feel embarrassed or when I anger or disappoint someone.
- To include others in my life (on differing levels of intimacy).
- To say what I must.
- To withstand those damn beams of love. (William Blake reference)
- To keep my ego in check.
- To be less alone in my humanity.
- To penetrate surfaces and crack exterior shells (both mine and others).
- To not be shocked by that exposed feeling of rawness.
- To learn to love myself through the fluctuation of emotions that vulnerability will invite.
- To be known.
- To not be so defensive out of insecurity.
- To find common ground.
- To not shy away from artistic pursuits.
- To love in the face of anger and indifference.
- To say things no one else will say because they are meant for my saying them.
- To live my self-reliant aloneness out amongst intimate community.
- To implement faith in a Fierce Sustain-er.
- To feel things out loud with less apology.
- To be less bristly.
- Because in the past I thought this word meant to be walked on, beaten down and emptied of life, and now somehow in the walking and the beating and the emptying that occurs naturally in life, I see it to mean coming fully to life, because no one has power over me, but the power I choose to give them.
- To come out of my cave on occasion, walking on my hands and seeing the world upside down, as only I can handle it.
- To understand dependence in the most healthiest sense of the word.
- To stay alive.
My friend Teresa made a list of all the synonyms for vulnerable. The list is a tad bit daunting:
- conquerable
- dangerous
- insecure
- unsafe
- defenseless
- unprotected
- threatened
- indefensible
- compromising
- penetrable
- susceptible
- endangered
- unguarded
- open (vs. private)
- assailable
- undefendable
- undefended
- weak
- under fire
- under attack
The only way this list looks even remotely approachable is if paradox does in fact exist, and true living is offered right on the other side of the mirage. And so I head off on my journey friends, right into a new year, with Brene Brown whispering sarcastically in my ear, “Good luck trying not to numb these feelings.”
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
this i like. can’t wait to read the results… 12 months will go by so fast.
Tell me about it!
Vulnerable is a good word. I think most of us need to work on it continually, I know I do. I particularly liked “To be known” on your list. How could we ever be known if we’re not willing to be vulnerable? Probably it resonates with me cause I tend to lock myself up in a bubble that nobody else can get into… should let it burst, I suppose. Working on that.
I’m looking forward to seeing where this word will take you. Also, this is a helpful post. It gives me inspiration on how I can work – and play! – with my word. Thank you.
Yay!
The clock is just about to tick over to the new year here in Oz, so this was a perfectly timed read! I don’t have a word for 2012, although the word “breathe” (mostly meaning “spirit”) recurred magically over the past few months, and I’m hoping it follows me in the new year. Can’t wait to keep reading your work in 2012! Thank you
Like the thought of your word following you.
*shivers with anticipation*
yes.
what great soul-searching you’ve done here.
i would love to see a self-portrait of your eyes in a before and after series because i wonder how this deliberate embrace of vulnerability will create shifts in you. having intention and specific time (1 year) are like river channels to guide the ship of you to your destination. looking forward to your voyage.
these images are glorious.
Oh, eyes would be interesting! I may do that.
Excellent, soul-baring word. I look forward to seeing how this manifests in your life over the next year.
You bring a richness to my life that can only come from your world. Thank you for making the choice to do so. It means quite a bit to me.
Mandy . . . this is beautiful and brave, just like everything you share. I’ve been trying to contact you but can’t find an email address. I am VERY interested in publishing one of your heart-grabbing posts in the next issue of my online magazine, Sprout. Would you please email me if you’re at all willing to be included? This issue is centered on boldness–and ohh, you have such a perfectly bold post (your conversations with god) that would make a huge impact in this issue. If it doesn’t work out, I understand, but please know that you have touched me deeply (via your blog, your “messy” book, and your latest book) and I am so grateful for what you put out into the world. Again, my email is PersistentGreen@gmail.com. Thank you. (P.S. I see your lovely friend Mandy Thompson above me here–she was in my last issue of Sprout! What a joy.)
Emailing you.
Thank you for being such an inspiration. My word for the year is confidence…lets see where this journey takes me!
Good luck! Go confidently.
Wow – that’s a BIG word! Lovely! My word for 2012 is INTENTION
I want to INTENTIONally be vulnerable (as much as I can handle.)
“To feel things out loud with less apology” – that is so beautiful.
May it be so, may it be so.
We are all so blessed that you share so openly. I will love seeing where your journey and your year of vulnerability take you.
My word is ‘blossom’.
Happy New Year, Mandy! Love and light to you on this day of beginning.
Thank you. Best wishes with your word too. It’s going to be a rush!
Great word Mandy!! Love reading this and reading how this word inspires your artist soul! Mine is ‘persistent’.
Thank you and thanks for linking to my blog in your post. You’ve been PERSISTENTly kind to me since I met you.
love this, Mandy.
I’m struggling with fear. I think being vulnerable is being ok with the tug of fear but not bowing to it.
you’re a kindred to many, and I love it.
-holding baby, typing with 1 hand,
Amber
I think you’re right about that tug of fear. Thanks Amber! Love your comments.
you are crazy-brave my friend. crazy-brave. i so desire to be the velveteen kind of real and vulnerable, and yet it scares me to death… thank you for the invitation to join you on this journey. i know i am going to learn and grow so much, simply from walking beside you.
you are more velveteen real than you give yourself credit for. i love that our paths have crossed.
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