Guest Blog – Chasing Imperfection

One morning I saw this wonderful status update on Facebook:

Beautiful, warm sunshine coming in the windows…highlighting dust and little fingerprints on EVERYTHING. Good thing I let go being a perfectionist…being a mommy is too much fun to waste time on that stuff!

It made me so happy to read it. And it made my heart sort of twinge, because I know this is the kind of living I long for, but I’m just not quite there on most days. So I asked my friend Valerie Hunter, who wrote those meaningful words, if she would write a guest post for Messy Canvas. Valerie is on this journey with us as a mom and has taught me a lot about IMPERFECTion. I wanted her to get the chance to inspire you all as well. Enjoy!

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Chasing Imperfection.

Yes, you read that right. I’m talking about chasing IMPERFECTION, not perfection.  I’m not quite sure why I have to revisit this topic as often as I do…but, I know I’m not the only one. I do feel like {maybe} I’m making progress, so I wanted to share how I’m training my mind in hopes that my actions will follow and my heart will be satisfied with imperfection (Romans 12:2).

First, I needed to try to identify the source. Where did the expectation come from that we should have a perfect looking home and perfect children, prepare perfect homemade organic/natural meals and snacks, and look perfect while doing it? Aside from the fact that we’re all just messed up, foolish sinners, I think it comes from multiple places:

• We are a busy, competitive, achievement oriented society/generation.  We’re sure we can do {insert “whatever” here} better than the generation before us or just as much as the ladies living next to us.   We chase after Masters Degrees and Doctorates, recognition, and affirmation.   We fill our schedules with teaching/taxiing our kids, volunteering, scrapbooking, exercise, blogging, praying, journaling, housekeeping and cooking.
• We are a materialistic, image-focused society. We are into aesthetics.  What we have and how we {our house, our children} look reflect who we are.  If it’s pleasing to the eye, then it’s good.  We’re bombarded with print ads and commercials that show the way our homes and kids should look.
• We are able to see so much of each others’ lives, but it’s usually only what people want you to see. We see something that looks perfect in someone else’s life and we want to try to implement it in ours. We want to have what they have and do what they do.
• If we’re believers, we see the Proverbs 31 woman, as the ideal woman. She cooked, cleaned, made her family’s clothes, ran a business, honored her husband, and feared the Lord.

Now, let me say, I don’t believe all of these things above are evil or that we shouldn’t have goals or comfortably furnish our homes or take care of our bodies.  I do believe we become consumed by chasing after perfection in many of them, we stretch ourselves too thin, and then we’re left frustrated, drained, and void of joy.

So what do we do?  What do we need to realize about this world and ourselves that will relieve this pressure?  Here’s what I am continually telling myself:

I CAN’T do it all. We can’t do everything our grandmothers did (sew entire wardrobes, bake bread, tend gardens, and keep a tidy house) in addition to all the things our generation does (continuing education, work, scrapbook, homeschooling, and take kids to soccer, gymnastics, music, play dates, and art class).  If your grandma is still around, ask her how it was.  More likely than not, she has maybe a handful of photo albums to cover 20 years for the whole family.  Today each of our kids has 5 elaborate scrapbooks before they even start school.  She sent the kids outside to play by themselves all day while she baked bread, scrubbed floors, and did laundry {by hand}.  Today we feel like we have to play with our kids and still be able to do all of those things.

What I am trying to achieve perfection at, represents what I value. Chasing after perfection takes time, energy, and often other resources, like money and creativity.  I’d love for my house to look like those on the pages of a magazine.  Shoot, I’d just love to have matching furniture, unstained carpet, and organized closets.  The reality is, if you come to my house you’re going to find a hodgepodge of mismatched furniture (since 90% of it was given to us).   You’re going to find piles of clutter and disorganized cupboards.  You’re going to find dust bunnies under the beds, cobwebs in the corners, toys in every room of the house, and 3 day old spaghetti noodles under my kitchen table.  We could spend the resources to fix these problems, but it takes away from other things I value.  If we buy new furniture, we can’t sponsor Ariel in Ecuador.  Organizing my closets and cupboards is definitely going to take time, and probably some money to buy shelving, etc., but that means less time with the kids reading books, coloring, and no funds for things like gymnastics or soccer.

I need to keep my eyes and thoughts off of what looks perfect in everybody else’s lives. I’m always comparing my apples to their oranges.  I’ll go to a friend’s house and look at how beautiful it is and wonder why mine doesn’t look like that.  Then I remind myself that she and her husband both worked for 5 years at good jobs before having kids.  I got married {to a teacher} right out of college {with no money and $30,000 worth of college loans} and had two kids within the next 2 years.  I’ll wonder how a friend can homeschool and train for triathlons and marathons and I’ll wonder why I barely have the time or energy to get my running shoes on most days.  Then I remind myself that her mom lives in town and watches her kids several hours a week to give her a break and I have a two year old that {still} doesn’t sleep all night.  There is so much we don’t see about the lives of other people, especially when we’re interacting with them in the blog or facebook world.  We have no idea what they are sacrificing in order to have the element of perfection that they present to the rest of the world.

I need to remember that the most important thing about the Proverbs 31 woman was that she was a woman after God’s own heart. I often look to the Proverbs 31 Woman as a measuring stick for all of the things I think I should be able to do.  But, not only is there much about this woman that doesn’t translate to our day and age, most likely she is an idealized woman who never actually existed.  She had servants, so she wasn’t doing it all on her own.  I’m sure she wasn’t pressured to get her pre-baby body back in six months or dress her kids in Baby Gap and Children’s Place.  She was a good business manager and seemed to function well on very little sleep ( see Proverbs 15 and 18 :O))…two things I do not excel at.  Some women never get married or have kids.  Does that mean they can’t ever fulfill this standard that we hold so highly?  More than any of her accomplishments, I think the most important thing we need to strive for is her fear of the Lord and desire to please Him with the talents He had given her.

I want to be caught doing something with eternal, not temporal, purpose. This has probably become the most important one for me at this point.   Chasing perfection in my home {achievements, image} is so temporary…especially in this season of having small children.  I truly believe my Lord could return any day, and even if He doesn’t I know my days are numbered.  When it’s my time to meet Him, I don’t want to be caught frustrated and exhausted trying to be perfect, because it’s never gonna happen.  I don’t want to be caught nagging my kids or husband because there are toys everywhere and dirty dishes in the sink or complaining because we still have teal green carpet in the girls’ bedroom, or freaking out because nobody has any clean socks, or worrying about the preservatives in the mac n’cheese I make for dinner.   I want to be caught doing something that might last into eternity.  I want to be caught having fun, making memories, and loving the family that God has blessed me with, giving to those who need it so much more than me, and living joyfully in the fullness of a Savior that came so I don’t have to be perfect.

Perfection has cost. If I’m going to chase it, I either have to give up some things I value or try to do it all and be that nagging, frustrated, joyless wife/mom that I never wanted to be.  There might be days where the cost goes unnoticed…days where everything falls into place and everything is in neat tidy order.  But it won’t last. In this season of life, when I have four kids between the ages of 2 and 7, when too much of what I do in my house is undone within minutes, when I’m laying the foundation of for the kind of teenagers and adults my children are going to grow into…that cost is too high.  I’ve decided I’m not willing to pay it, even if it means that my house is a mess next time you come over.  I’m going to love this life, especially this season of life {without worrying about what my house looks like, whether I’ve got the same muscle tone as I did before I had babies, or if I’ll ever earn my master’s degree}, and find joy in accomplishing more eternal tasks!

{Disclaimer:  I am not perfect at being imperfect}

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*You can connect with Valerie and read more of her writing on her blog.