Awhile back I was put into an awkward situation. I am still not quite sure whether I made it awkward or if it was just the environment I was in that was awkward. Either way, I was left feeling out of place, not myself, uncomfortable. After the awkward situation was over, it actually took me a few days to process and recover from it. During those few days, I had to re-think everything I have learned during 2009 about being IMPERFECT. For those of you who are new to my blog, I selected the word IMPERFECT as my word for this year. You can read more about that here.
I think it is timely that I would have to reprocess all that I have learned about my word. 2009 will come to a close before we know it, and with it God will usher in a new word for me. So what am I going to walk away with from this year? How have I been changed?
You know, in the days after my “awkward situation,” I have to admit I got a little scared. What scared me is that I was falling back into old patterns of thinking. I was playing old tapes, hearing old lies, recalling old doubts. Things I thought I had become “free” from.
Also, I felt this redoubled effort to try and better myself. I will improve myself so I fit in better. I will improve myself so I can feel joy. I will improve myself so others will like me and God will like me. I’m not good enough as I am, but I will improve myself until I am good enough. I will come up with a self-help plan of rules to daily live by, so I can avoid any future awkward situations.
We know very well that we are not set right with God by rule-keeping but only through personal faith in Jesus Christ. How do we know? We tried it—and we had the best system of rules the world has ever seen! Convinced that no human being can please God by self-improvement, we believed in Jesus as the Messiah so that we might be set right before God by trusting in the Messiah, not by trying to be good. – Galatians 2:16
{Thankfully, God has already had me saturated in reading Galatians. I’ve been reading it for about a month now. I just can’t leave it. It’s an incredible book all about our IMPERFECTions and God setting us FREE from them. It’s a book about battling legalism, which I constantly battle. It’s a book about throwing rules and religion out the window and believing in and running after a God of grace and mercy. It’s a book about letting your ego and your pride die away, so you can be set FREE.}
So back to self-improvement…I was baffled to read we don’t please God by our self-improvement. I mean, that’s what the Christian walk is all about, isn’t it? Getting better and better? But Galatians says this doesn’t please God. It is our faith in Him that please God (Hebrews 11:6). A simple childlike faith that says God is bigger than our imperfections, our awkward situations, our mistakes, failures, pride, hurts and habits.
Instead of spending my whole time thinking about what others thought of me and how I could better myself, I should have been trusting in God and letting Him do the work of bettering me. I couldn’t avoid the situation once I was in it, so I needed to trust God through it. And I needed to trust God afterwards as well, with all my insecurities. Being “myself” often means being “imperfect.” I have to be okay with that.
So how do I want to live my days…AND my awkward situations?
Christ’s life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20
In this life, I will never fully recover from my hurts, hang-ups, habits. I will never be able fully to hide from or dodge awkward situations. From time to time, old tapes will resurface and Satan will remind me of old lies. But daily I have the choice to believe in a God that is bigger than me and my brokenness. And daily I have a choice to put on Christ, who IS perfection and covers my IMPERFECTion.
My prayer right now is “God increase my faith. Increase my childlike faith. Let me believe YOU are bigger than myself. Let me believe YOU are the answer to all my problems. YOU are bigger than religion, than rules, than self-help. Increase my faith. Help me believe you are THAT big. Big enough to be enough. Amen.”
In this holiday season where so many people are talking about “the magic of believing,” this prayer is all the more powerful to me. I hope it resonates with you.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this! Why is it so hard to remember and fall into the old habits, wrong thinking, etc.? Thanks for sharing! And congrats on your novel! I love that you learned so much by doing it. Doesn’t God do that so often? We think we are doing something for Him, but in the process we are learning so much about Him, life and ourselves. God is so amazing!
Good stuff, Mandy. I revisited my “expectations” that I journaled about at the beginning of the year. It was refreshing and showed me that I have grown this year. I still have days that I fall back into the old stuff, though, too. We grow, but never so much that we don’t need the Truth of what you posted today. Thanks!
This was amazing I think God seriously had me visit this…thank you for being sensitive and responding to God. I needed it
What a great concept, word of the year. I think that is a such a creative way to allow God to work on you in a specific area and to be so open about it! I love it! You have learned so much and are teaching us so much. Congrats on your novel, too! How awesome!
Valerie, did you blog about what you’ve learned this year about “expectations”? I’d love to read that.
Madison, I’m so glad to hear that what I was learning helped you out as well. Wonderful! I love your fashion blog.
Vanessa, I’ve picked a word for two years now and plan on doing it next year for the third time. I highly recommend it. It has been extremely beneficial to me in so many ways.