Where Is He Taking Me?

Oh dear. Where do I begin? How do I fit a couple months of internal conversations into one blog post that sums it all up, neat and tidy. It’s times like these I am thankful for a messy canvas domain and the word IMPERFECT as my focus for 2009. I can only say it the best I know how, and hope, that in some way you might relate, or be encouraged or at the very least, just give me my space and not write me off as a misguided soul.

I don’t want to read the Bible. I haven’t wanted to for the past month at least. I’ve had minute efforts at picking it up and perusing it, but they are empty and merely guilt-induced. It feels dead to me.

Note what I’m not saying. I’m not saying “God feel dead to me.” Oh no, on the contrary. He feels very much alive. But, at the risk of sounding heretical and sacrilegious, He feels bigger to me than the Bible. I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think what I mean by that is He feels bigger than what has become my religion. He feels bigger than quiet devotional times, scripture memorization and Sunday morning church going. He feels bigger than prayer time, Christian music and the polished right answers for life’s hardest questions. I feel God wooing me, but it’s oddly outside of all the traditional Christian venues I have known Him to speak through. It’s as if my familiarity with Christianity is breeding contempt, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

I’ve been reading The Sacred Romance. This was written by John Eldredge, who was also a professor of mine my last semester of college. His “lectures,” for lack of a better word, brought my faith to life again during my college years. And since I am now feeling a sort of dryness, I returned to the book that once before gave me a fresh perspective.

“There comes a place on our spiritual journey where renewed religious activity is of no use whatsoever. It is the place where God holds out his hand and asks us to give up our lovers* (*mine would be busyness, control, discipline, competency, perfection, etc.) and come and live with him in a much more personal way…We are both drawn to it and fear it. Part of us would rather return to Scripture memorization or Bible study or service – anything that would save us from the unknowns of walking with God.

But “If we listen to our heart again, perhaps for the first time in a while, it tells us how weary it is of the familiar and the indulgent.” – The Sacred Romance

Let me clue you into how my blog is a window into this journey I am on:

There is this post where I was struggling with my guilt over not reading the Bible and spending quiet time with God.

There is the fact that I took a hiatus from leading the Angry Homemade Noodles LifeGroup because I didn’t have anything from the Bible to share. When the study on Rest came to a close I had to take some time off. I’m still working through what that group should look like now.

There is my deep desire, and I believe Holy Spirit-directed-longing, to try something different and to change things up in my life. I’m tired of my routine, tired of being in the rut I’ve somehow gotten stuck in, tired of the box I’ve kept God in.

And then most recently, there was the realization that I heard God loud and clear through Frankenstein, not exactly your typical reading material for Biblical Truth.

And it’s happened in other areas of my life that I haven’t managed to blog about yet. Every Friday this summer we have gone to see a movie with our family, and I have heard God’s voice loud and clear through these stories:

Nim’s Island

Kit Kittridge

Kung Fu Panda

Tale of Despereaux

I feel God’s peace when I smell my baby’s head (thanks Natalie for putting a name to the goodness I was sensing). I feel God’s love when my husband puts his hand on me warmly and whispers a prayer over me before leaving for work in the morning (especially when we’ve been arguing lately over stupid stuff). I feel God’s creativity when I stroke paint colors onto a canvas or see just the right colors mix together in the kitchen or in an outfit my kids’ wear.

I am being romanced, and I am baffled by the fact that it is not directly coming from the Bible or Church. I think God is chasing me. I think He is sensing my distaste for the mundane and recognizing that my heart is waning, and so I think He’s coming after me in the things that are speaking to my heart right now.

I love a God that is bigger than man’s religion.

I had a professor in college who advised me once about praying before meals. I didn’t understand why it was necessary and why everyone did it, and yet I kept doing it because I felt like I should. I felt guilty not doing it. It must be necessary to be a Christian, I figured. He advised me to stop doing it. Why do something if I was only doing it out of guilt?

So I’ve decided I’m just needing to outwardly confess that I’m not reading the Bible right now. I am taking a break. I am taking a chance. I am obeying, I believe, and choosing to hear God where He is speaking to me right now. I’m trying to fight off guilty feelings and resting in the fact that even when I try, I am ultimately not in control. It feels good to be real with these feelings and to stop pretending the Bible is doing anything for me right now. Isn’t life messy? I’m just glad my heart feels like living it again.

Where are you taking me God? You sure are unpredictable.