A few weeks ago I got out for a much needed couple hours by myself in the evening. I was planning on hitting up Starbucks, where I could sit and think and journal in a familiar and comfortable setting. However, as I started driving, it was as if my car had a mind of its own. I knew where it was taking me, I just wasn’t sure if I was okay with it. After all, I’m not spontaneous or impulsive. I like my routines. I’m okay with sameness.
On a certain road, I had seen a sign for Bubble Tea several times. I’ve heard a lot of buzz on bubble tea and in the back of my mind have wanted to try it.
That’s where I was headed in my car.
To try bubble tea.
All by myself.
In a place I had never been.
I could feel my heart beating hard in my chest. Really? Am I really going to do this?
You may laugh that such a small thing could be such an adventure for me, but when you’re used to living a certain way, it can be hard to break out of that mold.
I entered the restaurant, was greeted warmly and told my greeter that I would be dining in, but didn’t want supper just a bubble tea. I told my waitress I had never had bubble tea and asked for a recommendation, which she kindly offered. Jasmine Green Bubble Tea it is then. I sat, drank and wrote in my journal. But mostly I just soaked in the “different.” Did I mention all the conversation around me was in a language I couldn’t understand?
The jasmine flavor of my tea was strong. It wasn’t my favorite, but that’s not what this post is about.
Here’s something I wrote that night:
“Maybe what I am desiring is not the rhythm and comfort of routine, but the pursuit and education and adventure of the new. Maybe I want to taste it all – all of God’s amazing creation – on a global scale. Maybe I’ve been trying to do the same things when what I want is new and different. I get excited about this. The new. The uncomfortable. To see new, taste new, speak new. To explore with my family.
“If I feel God is small and boring then maybe I need to visit the vast ‘outside the box’ where He really lives. Maybe I need to go there.
“I’m scared of the IMPERFECT. If I try something new it will be scary, different. I might flub it up, make a fool of myself. But right now each day does not feel fresh and new because I live it the same. Nothing is engaging. Nothing new. No sense of adventure. This has to stop. I can change this merry-g0-round I am on.
“The predictable is safe. It is empty. God is not predictable. He is not safe, but He is good. I’m coming after you God, oh Romancer. I am coming after you. I am in love with you and feel you wooing me. The epiphany I’ve been searching for has hit me with a new drink in a new place.”
At this point I looked out the window of the restaurant and could see just the very corner of a banner blowing in the wind. All I could see on it was the word FREE.
“Thank you Jesus,” I wrote, “I’m coming your way.”
I’d like to tell you that my life has been amazing during the weeks that followed my bubble tea epiphany. I think I expected it to be.
It hasn’t.
I’ve tried some new things that have failed miserably, and I’ve been in a wrestle between listening to what I think I’m hearing from God and staying safe in the obedience of the rules of my religion.
I have not “arrived.”
But I feel like I am on to something, so I wanted to share it. I’m wading through the mess that comes with attempting to “soak in the different” and I’m not about to give it up just because it’s hard. I want to follow after God, and I know He’s bigger than me and my white, American, Christian, middle-class perspective. I’ve got to find Him, in all His Glory. Care to come along?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
mandy, I am so glad I am not the only one who has her heart beating in her chest at something like that! I had that feeling the other day just for taking a different route I hadn’t been on to the same place just for the heck of it. (is it really going to connect to the place I am going? O my god, what if it doesn’t, etc etc! Ha!!) It is so silly to me being almost SCARED of these new things however small when that is what I am seeking. My husband has no problem whatsoever with anything new, I have no idea why. I really want to make sure my son is brought up to love the new and not be scared of it.
I’ve been doing a study through my church that has led me to really question what is from God and what is my culture, my white, middle class upbringing, like you mentioned. It is sometimes so hard to separate. We had missionaries at our church Sunday who shared about bringing God to a different culture and trying to fix some church plants that were botched because the missionaries tried to push the traditional American Christian church experience on that culture. So, culture is important, too. We can’t really have no culture. God did have me be born into white, middle class America. I’ve not arrived either! Never will, but good stuff to chew on. Great thoughts, as usual, Mandy!
Karen – my husband is the same way. And I to want to raise my kids where they feel free enough to try something different and to think outside the box.
Cori – What’s the study you are doing?
OH, I SO relate.
Love you.