I got out my sewing machine a week or so ago. Set it all up – my own little designated sewing station. That was a week or so after I stayed up until 2 in the morning researching what it would entail to open an Etsy shop. That was a couple weeks after I checked out nearly every library book possible on sewing and dolls. That was a few weeks after I had a few people tell me I could sell my dolls. And that was about a month and a half after God asked me to give up something in my life.
To be clearer, as one of my friends so eloquently put it today on the phone, God told me no about chasing down an artistic career outside my family, and I was trying to find the loophole in that “no.”
Surely God wouldn’t be just flat out telling me “no.”
And so the slump post was written. Because I guess, in a sense, I was wrestling with God over His answer. I didn’t realize this. I thought I was being pro-active. I thought I was being a go-getter. I thought I was just not being lazy. Turns out I was being deaf. Or stubborn. Or prideful.
Oh bother.
So I’m working through this lesson. Trying to let it all soak in. Being angry at being told, “no.” Being doubtful that God knows best (oh the humility in admitting that.) Being unsure if I’m really hearing from God because I am still not sure I’m okay with hearing from Him if it means I can’t do it my own way. Still being short and angry with my kids today as a result of it all. Still feeling the battle being waged and still hearing the enemy’s lies in my head, trying to tie me down. Tie me down with lies about our debt. Tie me down with lies about my identity. Tie me down with lies about my future.
And yet trying so hard to find the breath of fresh air in it all. In realizing that God just told me I don’t have to do it all and that I can rest in Him and in my husband to provide. This should be reason to celebrate.
This will take time, but I am a better person for sharing it. I am a better person for hearing your all’s truth and wisdom and encouragement. I am a better person by knowing I am not the only woman to ever ask these questions or struggle with these issues. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to walk through this life together? To stop hiding in the shadows pretending we’re perfect and just throw it all out there, our big, ugly, IMPERFECT selves. Here I am world? Now what?
Now I can get over myself and start to get some healing and some perspective and some hope.
No more loopholes.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Good deal! You might still waver at times, but cling to the truth. Obedience is a must to receive blessings.
It is not easy to be in this moment right now. But it sounds like you are really doing a great job realizing your NOW moments lately! It’s not easy to abandon what has been an identity in the past either. It is like “who am I if I am not doing (insert craft project or other activity here)?” But you are so much more than the things you want to do. I too want to do all these creative things and the one year old just won’t allow it. The problems arise for me when I want to do something besides be in the moment I am in. I am doing my best now to BE in each moment, just as it is, the way it is meant to be, with whatever is happening, and being fine with it all. It is surprisingly refreshing–if I can remember to do it. That of course is the hard part, besides deciding that I am not entitled to be mad or frustrated because I actually DON’T want to feel that way! Blessings to you and the journey you are on.
it sounds like you have very good friends, to boot!
’staying home’ vs. ‘working mom’ is, like, the ultimate struggle. hearing you spell it out is very refreshing — although you may not have felt very ‘refreshed’ when you were writing it.
it’s good to know that you won’t be missing out on anything if you follow the right path. (easier to know than to feel, right?)
i think your honesty rocks. here is a message our pastor sent us that reminded me of you:
In his “Parochial and Plain Sermons” of 1876, the great English churchman John Henry Newman urged Christians to dare to communicate honestly with one another. He saw in people’s inclination to not speak freely about their innermost selves the cause for emptiness in many people’s religion.
“Perhaps the reason,” Newman said, “why the standard of holiness among us is so low, why our attainments are so poor, our view of the truth so dim, our belief so unreal, our general notions so artificial and external, is this, that we dare not trust each other with the secret of our hearts.”
Newman believed that Christians would be enriched if they could share with others even something of their weakness – those aspects of ourselves we are most likely to bury deep under a mound of silence.
“I consider,” he remarked, “that Christians…are very much more like each other in their temptations, inward (heart) diseases, and methods of cure, than they all imagine. Persons think themselves isolated in the world; they think no one ever felt as they feel. They do not dare to expose their feelings, lest they should find that no one understands them. And thus they suffer to wither and decay what was destined in God’s purpose to adorn the Church’s paradise with beauty and sweetness.”
You and I are so much alike….
I don’t know if that makes you feel better or not.
I’m in the same boat. And I did give up. And it felt like such a weight off my shoulders once I finally accepted my limitations. But then that’s where I started over, from a different perspective and a different attitude. I found that the more I struggled to have it my way, the more of an uphill battle it was. I don’t believe in “no”’s. I believe there are different paths. And when things are right, they’re easier. I wonder if I’m making sense. I just don’t believe that I would be getting these ideas and feeling so inspired if I wasn’t meant to work on things. I’m starting to get things done again. Slowly. But it feels right. I feel like I can be a better mom and wife if I have some balance.
That “I don’t believe in “no’s” statement didn’t come out right. What I meant was that “no” pertaining to my situation. I realize that your situation is different. But I just want you to know that I understand your internal struggle.
It’s a season…and I know it seems long….but there is life after your kids get older
I dont know if I have ever told you this but I went though this the first 2 1/2 years of being a mom=) The Lord has brought me a long way. I love my life now. Plus I love having you as a friend! You are a huge blessing to me.
I am pretty sure you will find your way Mandy. Keep listening … as you will find God’s answers in your heart. I pray that you will find the wisdom you need … and I believe that this ‘no’ you hear now doesn’t necessarily be a ‘no’ in a few years. Be patient! Hugs!
I could write a post in itself on this comment box. I will just say I understand this so well. I will tell you about it sometime…maybe over Easter dinner? =)
I think I’m still looking for loopholes, btw. I just don’t realize I’m doing it until I read posts like this.
It’s sad to see that you feel that devoting an hour or two a day to sewing, which you apparently take pride in when I see how nicely you setup your workstation, somehow goes against what GOD wants you to do. I’m sure that you wouldn’t all of the sudden start ignoring your children or be less obedient of your husband. While I don’t know you, I can imagine the smile you must have had when you were setting up your station. GOD put that pride and joy you felt inside of you. Why go against that? I’m sure GOD wouldn’t put more in front of you than you can handle. I say dust off that Hello Kitty sewing machine and make a few dolls!
Ben – I find it ironic that as you typed your comment, I am in fact sitting here stitching a doll. I, a few weeks later, am coming around to the very idea you have mentioned here. I think God was telling me no about seeking an artistic career outside of my home right now, but not so much about art or sewing in general. But I had to work through some other stuff for myself to get to the point that I could understand that. My heart is happy when I create, and I believe you are right, God put that inside of me. I need to be cautious about not going overboard when God tells me no to one thing. Thanks for the insight. It backs up what I’ve been feeling right now.
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