Just last nite I was thinking I needed to write another post specifically pertaining to my word for 2009, IMPERFECT. And then, I had the audacity to think, well darn, everything seems pretty perfect right now with me.
HAVE I NOT BEEN LEARNING ANYTHING?!
Certainly the moment you think you’ve got it all together, life has a way of showing you quite otherwise. Humbling you, if you will.
Today was my humbling day, and now I have more to write about then can probably be contained in this one blog post.
I’ve been threatening in several previous blog posts to write about Tony and me deciding to live on a budget. Well, nows the time. It all comes out.
I can distinctly remember a time in California where we were meeting with our small group and hearing Tony share his conviction about our finances. And he shared this verse, “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ Matthew 25:14-30. And he talked about how he just didn’t feel like we were being faithful with the small things and yet we were asking God to bless us with bigger things.
I remember feeling hurt by this. It hurt my pride. I remember saying out loud something to the effect of, “I don’t agree. We’re doing everything we possibly can. We’re being as faithful as we can.”
Today, I am writing this post to admit I was wrong. Months ago, I was so sure of myself. Beyond a shadow of a doubt we were doing all that we could with our finances. Today, I hang my head and say, No, no we weren’t.
I was wanting God to rescue me while I played the innocent and helpless princess. Please God, swoop me out of this mess that I certainly played no part in creating. Save me from my helplessness that I did not in any way cause. Provide for me so that I can continue to live in my comfortable, chaotic financial world.
I do not write those words lightly. I realize that we weren’t spending on absurd things and God did afterall ask us to move to California where living expenses were 3 times what we were used to. God did ask my husband to start his own business and for me to give up being a partner in a company. We were forced to move from a cheaper home due to circumstances we couldn’t have foreseen, into renting a more expensive home. BUT God didn’t ask us to stop being good stewards just because risk was involved in the life He was calling us to. Somehow, along the way, we lost sight of our part and were only focused on God doing His part.
I believe we made the mistake of using credit as a crutch and “rewards” as a necessary means to our survival in dealing with stress.
The beginning of our humility came when we couldn’t pay rent and we had to make a hard ask for money in order to be able to make the transition from California to where we are now in Oklahoma. God provided through so many people. Then God provided by allowing someone to take over our lease, which erased over $9000 worth of debt we would have had to incur
I write all of this today because we’re in the process of doing our taxes, and realizing what we are going to owe. Add that onto the credit card debt we accumulated in the last two months of our time in California, and understand we are feeling in bondage. Bondage to choices that could have been made better.
And while this is a post about my IMPERFECTion, it is also a post about hope. Because right in the middle of the all the glaring mistakes I can see that we have made, and right in the middle of desperately wishing I could do parts of it differently, and right in the middle of wishing there was an easy way out when there is not, there is the glowing, warming realization, that we are now getting the opportunity to step into living the life we had thought we always were living. Because of humbly having no other choice, we are becoming the good stewards that God has called us to be. We are implementing a lifestyle of simplicity, one in which is surprisingly drawing us closer as a family and helping us to fall more helplessly in love with God.
We are on a quest to get out of debt. We are actively pursuing it aggressively, and we are chasing down dreams that once seemed so unattainable, but now feel possible. We are serious about getting creative with our money and our time and seeking to not let our family life suffer in the process. Remember that post about limitations and creativity abounding? Well we’re about to see how true that is. As we limit our spending, may creativity abound in our family and overflow out through our blogs, our jobs, our families and our friends.
To stand and take an honest look at the dark places in your life that you were so sure were perfect and to have to admit their ugliness and IMPERFECTion is painful.
Stepping into the light and having the veil removed from your eyes is painful. We are wincing a bit, stumbling a bit, mourning a bit. And yet, the light is so beautiful. And we feel so blessed to have our eyes opened now while our little family is still relatively young.
Bring on the new day of thrifting and saving, of creativity and stretching, of realizing the value of a dollar, the value of our time, the value of purposeful hard work and planning and the reality that comes with taking the lazy alternative. Bring on the day of reaping what you sow, of investments, of sacrifices and what may feel at times like near smothering, only to find ourselves breaking through into a whole new reality of fresh air and warming light.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I love that you acknowledge the need to do your part and also rely on god to do his part–it is easy to forget one or the other. What a beautiful post–I love your painting, it reminds me of some of my husband Scott’s word art pieces. Love to you.
Thanks Karen. I only wish I could take credit for the painting. It was doneby Sabrina Ward Harrison at a class I took with her one weekend in California. So simplistic and yet so inspiring, those words spilled out on kraft paper.
Mandy,
Just wanted to let you know that I was resistant about starting a budget and paying cash for things when Chris wanted to a while back. We have now been on the Dave Ramsey plan for over one year and have been doing great. I really has made me realize how much I could have been saving and things could have been less tight when they were the tightest. God has blessed us in so many ways since then. Every time we look like we are going into the red some how we end up with extra money to stay in the black. We are even to a point now where we can start to give more to God. I still sometimes struggle with our money when I don’t work as much as I am suppose to but God has always provided for us. It has even allow Chris to trust God more with our where our money goes. So I know that it is hard to make the change but it is a good change to make.
I love your honesty and transparency. You guys are already thrifty and I know you guys are going to rock this! It will be so rewarding and freeing to see those debts cleared. This is your year! You can do it!!
It is going to be SO SO worth it. You are amazing.
Our family is right there with you…My husband I…mainly I ran up lots of credit card debt when I was younger…lots of other debt as well. When presented with 2 different opportunities to purchase homes…that we loved…we could not because of our debt. It took us 3 years to overcome that debt. We moved in with family (paid a smaller rent) and dumped money on bills…Years later I was in car accident and the debt came back. We had paid down our debt, but we didn’t learn the lesson God had put before us. We paid off our debt but didn’t save and prepare for everyday life. After the car accident it’s taken us about 5 years to get back on our feet. We pay for everything with cash and we have learned to save as we go….We stepped back and analized what do we truly need vs. want in our home.
Our parents were not good stewards of their money…we weren’t but are learning as we go…Our current goal is to teach our children how to be good stewards as well.
We are dealing with the same issues. We have some debt due to some bad financial decisions in our past. By the grace of God we discovered http://www.crown.org/ and their online budgeting system called mvelopes. I tell you that is the best $12 a month we have ever spent and it is truly helping us to work our way out. We started using it last summer, but didn’t really follow it until last October. I have to say it was a blessing over the holidays and we are getting better and better at following it. Even though we feel really tight and I still tend to spend too much it is drastically reduced and I have even managed to set some money aside for electronic emergency (i.e. my camera dies
) It is nice to know that the money is there when we need it. God bless your family and everyone else who is on this journey.
I will pray for you and your little family Mandy!
You guys are going to do great! I will be praying for your sweet family.
This is awesome Mandy! I’ve been having a similar journey but on a different area where I thought I had it all figured out. I realize what I thought was “perfect” was really so ugly, but now I am so filled with hope and excitement for what God will do next. There is freedom in imperfection! Woo hoo! Yay God! I’m excited to see how God leads the Stewards to be good stewards. Sorry, I just couldn’t resist that one!