I am serious about this IMPERFECT word. I am not going to let 2009 go by with out major life change in me. Prepare yourself for seeing even more of the real me. Consider yourself warned.
I was pretty sure my word for 2008 was going to be “promise.” In fact I had journaled a whole page about why it should be “promise.”
Then, one night after a fairly heated moment {and by “heated” I mean my blood pressure was rising because of a messy house that in my opinion had gotten out of control and therefore I was spewing out commands to my children to “pick up this” and “pick up that” as I was flitting around trying to regain order}…it was after this, after my kids were in bed and order was somewhat regained, that I realized what I had just put everyone through.
The guilt started to set in as it became quiet in our home. Too quiet. As I sat journaling, I kept feeling like God was bringing this word to me…”imperfect.” And it was clear to me, on so many levels, that I was going to need to wrestle with this word for a long time. Probably even a whole year.
Thus my decision to make “imperfect” my word for 2009.
I am imperfect. I mess up and yell at my kids when I feel like I can’t control things. I require too much out of them. I want to control them. I squelch joy. I am hurried. I push too hard. I have trouble quitting something once I’ve started it, even if something else or SOMEBODY else needs my attention. I get envious of other people. I often compare myself to others (especially women), trying to make sure I am in someway better than them so I don’t feel so horrible about myself. I try too hard to be wonder woman and then hide in guilt when I realize I am not.
My home is IMPERFECT. Scattered toys, marks on the walls, stains on the carpet, pee on the floor when someone didn’t get to the bathroom in time, crumbs under the table, hair in the bathtub, dust pretty much everywhere, un-weeded landscaping, dirty dishes, mountains of laundry – both dirty and clean. Need I go on?
My kids are IMPERFECT. They say things I wish they wouldn’t. They fight. They throw angry tantrums. They disobey. They run around in the grocery store and make me crazy when I wish they would just stay by my side and be quiet and calm.
My marriage is IMPERFECT. We disagree. We “fight” for our own free time, which comes so rarely with 4 little kids. We get tense about money or work or family or the little things like who is going to take the trash out and some days we just plain lose sight of the passionate love that brought us together in the first place.
I can’t control my marriage into perfection. I can’t control my kids into perfection. I can’t control my home into perfection. I can’t control my faith into perfection. I can’t control myself into perfection.
The very things I want to do, the very picture I have in my head of who I want to be, I so very rarely live up to. Why oh why am I so imperfect? And why oh why am I so critical and unforgiving of imperfection both in others and in myself?
This year I hope to learn to embrace IMPERFECTion.
This year I hope to love others who are IMPERFECT.
This year I hope to work on my own IMPERFECTions and be graceful with myself through that healing process.
This year I hope to not pretend I am perfect in an effort to be praised by others for my SUPER-WOMAN-ness.
This year I hope to lead with my IMPERFECTions.
This year I hope to seek and establish authentic community to hold me accountable in my IMPERFECTions, and to keep from feeling so lost and lonely. (Yea Angry Homemade Noodles LifeGroup!)
This year I hope to stop trying to personally control or manipulate IMPERFECTion.
This year I hope to see beauty in IMPERFECTion.
It should be an interesting ride.
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A-MEN girl! I feel the same way. Props to you for verbalizing what 99% of women and mothers feel at one point or another.
I, too, have been more reflective on my barking orders, or the manner in which I do them. Or the manner in which I do a lot of things. It could be gentler. It could be nicer and softer. It NEEDS to be these things.
I am also too critical, of myself and others. ANd I also pick out people’s imperfections in an attempt to boost my self confidence.
I agree with you, and am going to work towards the same things.
Can’t wait to start Angry Homemade Noodles.
Hmmm…I might need to borrow that word a time or 2 or 3..:) Love the authenticity. Now that you are FREE, I bet the journey to accept imperfections will be a lot easier.So glad to be on this journey with you.
I seriously could have written this exact blog. Almost word for word. You are not alone! Thanks for being brave enough to share and inspire the rest of us to embrace imperfection also!
i agree with cori. the part about the imperfection of marriage is SO true…(we just argued about the trash last night haha). thanks for sharing!
Girl…you’re going to be set FREE this year. How about TWO words for this year. IMPERFECT and SET FREE! (OK – that’s 3, but I’m not perfect…haha)
~Robin
Oh Mandy you are so not alone. You described my life and home on a regular basis as well! I have been thinking about the same things. How we need to just talk to people about our imperfections and help each other rather than try and hide them! I can’t wait to see your journey through the year and I hope I learn similar things in the process!
Isn’t amazing that we get so hung up on comparing ourselves to each other when we are all in the same boat!?!? I, too, could have written this same post. God has something great in store for you, Mandy! Thanks for being so open and letting us “stow-away” on this journey with you!
I love it!
Love this.
Thank you for expressing what every mom out there feels… isn’t it freeing to finally just say it?
And the really scary cool thing about imperfect is that God always uses the imperfect to display His glory. Prepare to be used by God.
such a good choice for this year. everything you wrote here i can relate to. everything. thank you for your honesty. love to you today!
How can this blogpost just come in a moment where I am struggling with my own imperfection. You are not alone Mandy, I am not alone, and yay for the lifegroup. I found myself in reading your post. This inspired me to go and reorganize my thoughts and change some points of view
Sweet! This is something I’ve written down in my journal too that I need FREEdom from. In fact just last night in bed I was thinking that I want to post pics of me in the morning with no makeup and crazy hair (along with some of the way my house looks when I’m NOT decorating for a holiday party, and my kids before I get them all dressed for church!!!!!! YAY for imperfection!!!!
And your picture is still gorgeous!!!
I was just thinking about you this morning while I was getting ready for work and how you pick a word for the year. Then saw this post!
I think another word to go along with it would be FORGIVENESS. Forgive yourself or not being perfect or what you thought you’d be. Forgive your kids for making a mess and yourself for yelling at them. Your post is me most days of the week as long as the kids are awake;)
God didn’t want any of us to be perfect or this would be a boring life.
mandy, it’s such a gift to know you. seriously. like a lot of others, i feel like this post could have come from me as well — i feel the same way so often! thank you for being brave and sharing this with the ‘blogging world’ and giving strength and courage to others who are in your same position. what great inspiration for the new year.
Ok, so I’m another one! You read my mind! How often do I try to “create” myself like I create everything else! I know this group is going to be so good for me. Thanks for getting the ball rolling, being honest and stepping out to lead! I am so blessed by how the Lord is using you. It’s only going to get better
That is a powerful word. Something I definitely need to work on accepting in myself also. I am looking forward to traveling with you on your journey and definitely looking forward to Angry Noodles. I have been inspired to pick a word this year also. I’m still thinking, but am looking forward to it.
I love this post, Mandy!
But for real, couldn’t you have not looked so cute in your “imperfect” picture? You can’t not look cute, can ya? It’s ok. You can’t help it.
Are you telling me that photo wasn’t art directed? I wish you’d written this post a long time ago so I wouldn’t have spent so much time trying to be like who I thought YOU were!
Seriously, I have struggled with these same feelings since becoming a mom, really, but especially since becoming a digital scrapbooker. Isn’t that strange? It’s such a surreal world sometimes. Everything mostly looks all pretty and tidy and life–my life, at least–just isn’t like that. I feel like I have to keep the real stories to myself most of the time.
I didn’t realize that your word for last year was freedom when I chose that for myself but I’m so looking forward to spending time with you and all these other people as we share our struggles and celebrate our victories. Here’s to FREEDOM *and* IMPERFECTION!
That last comment was from me (aka “Elaine”). Long story. Sigh. Perfection is so hard.
Hi Mandy! I stumbled across your blog after a friend recommend it. I love your word for the year- so real and honest. What a great idea! I have been trying to decided upon a word for myself since I read your post. I think I am going with “commit” as there are many areas in my life that I need to commit to this year. I hope you don’t mind if I follow your blog and put your link on my blog when I am explaining the word of the year concept. Thanks for sharing. Look forward to reading more!
wowee girl. you nailed one of my biggest imperfections with this one: This year I hope to not pretend I am perfect in an effort to be praised by others for my SUPER-WOMAN-ness. I would feel so FREE to let go of that effort to impress others and just work on being satisfied with myself!
The thing about all those things…all those “imperfections” especially in regards to your home and the children, is that when they’ve grown up, it will all seem so petty… so irrelevent.. so silly. I remember it being such a big deal at time… striving to be a perfect mum… wanting perfect kids.. why wouldn’t they just tidy up when I asked? why was it a struggle to get Daniel to wear certain clothing items? And did it matter? Did it really matter? Of course not. I was doing it for some kind of misplaced recognition from others… not for me, not for my family.
I certainly wish I’d understood all of that at the time. I wished I’d embraced the imperfections of my life then. My biggest regret right now, when I look back on those precious, precious moments is that I made too much of everything. I strived too hard. I didn’t embrace their “childishness” for what it was. I didn’t love myself enough not to beat myself up everyday because I just couldn’t seem to get up early enough to do my hair make-up etc.. before I took the kids to school.. I could go on.
I’m so excited that you recognise all of the imperfectness. It’s life changing. I’m taking a leaf out of your book. I’m going to embrace the imperfections in my life now. *hugs*
You’re speaking my language! So happy that you’re free to be imperfect!
This was a wonderful post. I, too, go through those “mommy-ranting” times when I just lose my cool. I think we should all learn to embrace the ‘Imperfect.’
Thanks for posting that. I can so relate. Our house needs serious cleaning. There’s a briefcase sitting on clean laundry in a laundry basket by the front door. Argh.
We’re trackin’ on the same train. (I totally made up that metaphor, but it works.)
Mandy, you echo the frustration so many feel with their lives. There are only 24 hours in a day and if you are a parent it feels like you need 48 to get it all done. I’ve reached the grandma stage finally, but after raising 3 on my own your words resonate with my own feelings during those years. I finally came to the conclusion that I would never achieve perfect. So imperfect or not, good enough became my key phrase.