I must not really want to change, for if I did, I would be making time to listen to God everyday.
When I worked a part-time design job last year I set my alarm two days a week, and I got out of bed and I took a shower and I ate breakfast and I made it to work on time. I did this for 4 straight months until I got laid off due to downsizing. I managed to drive my commute of 30 minutes one way without a problem, clocking in just on time and some days even early. Magic?
No, it was a priority. Money was necessary for my family to survive in California, and this was my contribution to our family. This design job was vital to our stability. I did not want to lose my job, therefore, I went to work, on time, twice a week.
So why is it that I can not get out of bed for an appointment with my God every morning? If I seriously want His presence in the details of my life, if I want His power in my body, His love in my heart, His joy radiating through my pores so that my mouth can’t help but to smile, why do I not commit to this time with Him? Isn’t He vital to my stability?
I want healing for the hang-ups in my life. I want to not explode out of anger. I want to laugh more, touch more, embrace life AND it’s IMPERFECTions more. I know I can’t do it on my own. I’ve proved that to myself. But I still try. Every single day, I try. I get out of bed in my power. I start the day in my power. I throw up frustrated prayers and ask God to fix the mess I’ve created in my day. But when do I listen?
I must not really want to change or I would be so desperate for Him that I would be unable to stay in my bed. I would wake with expectation for what He has for me. And then I would trust Him with my day. Trust that everything contained in it has its purpose and that none of it is more than I can handle. He is either powerful in my life or He isn’t. I either am serious about my faith or I’m not. I either really desire change or I just like the good feeling I get by talking about it. Which is it?
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
i struggle with these same things. It is hard because i so much want my “goodness” to be because of my efforts. I studied my bible, I spent adequate time in prayer. But I have found these are not always the answer. They never hurt tho! Anger can have deep roots and we need to dig deep and find the root b4 we can pluck it out. These can range from past abuse, abortions, addictions whether yours or a spouses, a betrayal, unforgiveness, even generational issues. The list really goes on and on. I’ve had a Group of 3 to 4 people experienced in these matters helping me and i still have a ways to go. I just read Victory over Darkness by Neal Anderson. Next i am doing his Steps to Freedom in Christ. I would highly recommend these!! Hang in there and trust in God’s timing.
Love you, Mandy.
I’m right with you, Mandy. I want to change so bad, but it’s not easy. Mark and I dealt with some control issues today and the kids haven’t listened. I was kind of like a volcano…the lava seeped out all day until I exploded when Mark was at church and I had to repeat myself to the kids one too many times! Just like we talked about tonight, Satan is right there with the carrot in front of our nose, tempting us to give-in to our default. Tomorrow is a new day, and God is ready to refill us and give us another try.
Ditto, Mandy…..you have just read my mail. What more can I say?
So Mandi, is this me trying to grab control back again? Is my desire in reading my Bible to find the “quick fix” for my anger? Because I haven’t consistently been in my Bible for any length of period EVER in my life, I always think if I could do this then everything would fall into place in my life. But I realize after reading your comment, that this is perhaps faulty thinking. And then Valerie, when you mentioned tonite that you were in your Bible and you still exploded, my heart sank. Because I really think I wanted that to be the answer. Is it wrong to want to be “fixed”? To want that time with God so He can make me a better person. I just am so tired of being stuck. I’ll have to look into those books Most days I have no clue where my anger is coming from. I keep trying to figure it out.
In short I think you already have the answer to your question. There will always be something you will struggle with….I just recently tackled an issue I have struggled with for years and now it seems like 5 more issues came up. I was talking with my mentor and lamenting about how my mind was being consumed with things I did not want to think about. I would literally yell outloud to myself to knock it off. I told my friend this and she wisely suggested I should stop beating myself up and instead ask god what he still needed to sift out of me. I was not ready to be “healed” because if he had taken away I would have missed some valuable lessons I learned thru the struggle. If you could be free of your anger upon your own doing then you could boast about how you set yourself free. You could say I read this book and followed these steps and read my bible everyday because I’m a good Christian. In the end you are glorified and not God. I can honestly say I have done some incredibly shameful things in the last year…I have begged and pleaded and even tried to bargain with God to make it all better. It took me reaching rock bottom to just cry out to God and lean on his understanding and not my own. I am here today only because of his grace. There is not one thing I’ve done to deserve any of the healing I’ve received. It is only because of Christ’s scandalous love that I can speak of his goodness. Once you reach a place like that you do read and you do pray because you would die if you did not…you become desperate for God. And it is in that place that we truly grow. It cannot be learned but instead it needs to be experienced. In the meantime accept his endless grace for your imperfections and allow him to transform you in His way and in His time.
This week I have really found that listening to each little feeling I have as it arises has worked for me to help keep anger from taking over. Every single feeling. When you are sarcastic, ask what it is about. When you have a twinge of doubt ask what that is about. Even verbalize it and apologize if you were sarcastic to someone you love or if you brushed over someone. You’ll be doing it all day! (Or at least I am!) I noticed that anger doesn’t build up in the same way when I do this. I believe these feelings are messages from god/the universe to help me know who I really am in this moment. I don’t like who I am when I am mean and I have decided to change it in each moment. I have not been perfect by any means, in fact I now see how often I have bad feelings, but I feel much different. Thank you Mandy for helping us all decide to change with your brave example! I’ll always remember it was you who helped me start on my path to try to be a better person.
Ugh! Where to start? Mandy. First of all, surely there is progress for you in as much as you’re talking about this more and more. Your anger. It’s right there and slowly but surely you’re dealing with it. I think there must be a lot of frustration in your life on some level which in turn causes anger. I don’t know. It’s my own experience. Frustration = anger. Letting go helps. And that’s no quick fix either. But relaxing into your situation instead of fighting it will go along way to calming you down as it means you’re no longer frustrated.
I don’t have any answers. I can only share my own experience. And I recognise so much of what you’re going through now with four small children. I did that. I feel your frustration and anger too. And sometimes it’s not about not wanting change. Don’t you think the Lord sees you each day as a mother? Don’t you think He knows your frustrations just sometimes getting through a morning let alone a day? Yes, it would be great to get up when that alarm goes off. Yes, it would show you as disciplined and committed but only if it has a positive outcome.
How about right now you need that extra half hour of sleep? Or that extra hour of “me time” before the kids wake up? God knows that. When you were getting up for that job last year, you hadn’t just had a baby. That was then, this is now! You are raising four children to become four adults. Stop for a moment and think about that? It’s huge. And God knows that too. It’s a special time. These early years. It’s also the most tired you’ll ever be. Remember your word. Imperfect. You can’t do everything. Perfection is not in your grasp. Being a mum, wife. Being Mandy. Being who you are and doing the best you can do. You’re doing that.
And helping so many others here. Change is happening Mandy. For you. For me and many others who read your blog and are part of the Noodles group. It’s happening. Have faith and breathe in God’s Grace to just be in the moment. You’ll look back one day and see just how much you have changed!
x
you are messy. and i like it. grateful that you are creating these conversations…when it could be so easy to turn off the commenting. it makes all the difference from being a venting session, to a invitation for community.
Can I share a word picture that God showed me recently? We’re potty training our three-year-old daughter. I often think she should have been trained long ago. Why is this STILL an issue? It seems like we’ve been working on this for so long! Then it hit me, this is NORMAL for her. All she has known has been peeing or pooping wherever she wants to or needs to. And while she certainly wants to wear her cute princess underwear, she keeps having accidents all over the house. She is still training. Even though her spirit is willing, she has to get out of the habit, and that takes time. It gives me hope when I hear my four-year-old son flush the toilet … it’s now normal for him to use the potty. But, man that took a lot of time, too. And just when I thought he was all trained, he’d have a accident. I realize this word picture is so much less complex than dealing with our issues, whatever they may be. But, it gave me HOPE, because I once wore diapers, too.
I’m hopful that with time and practice and probably a lot of accidents, maybe some of my defaults will get better, too. Maybe down the road it will be automatic to respond with patience, love and joy instead of anger. It takes training. I think when we ask God to remove our anger (or whatever) He doesn’t just take it away, He gives us the opportunity to do it right. (Such as your flooded bathroom.) Thanks Mandy for being so real! I feel like God is working so much in my life right now, and it comes partly from reading your blog. I don’t even remember how I came across it several months ago, but I’m thankful that I did!
What wonderful conversation this is turning out to be. I think I need to print it all out, so I can have it handy to re-read. I am so grateful that you all are feeling God moving and changing your life. Sometimes I feel so messy as I am processing all of this in my own life, that I’m quite sure none of it is making sense as I try to share it with you. God must be interpreting for me, and telling you just what you need to hear from Him. I pray that He will continue to do this. As for me, this post has taught me much about “accepting God’s grace.”
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