This is how I spent today.
It looks so artistic and domestic and calm, doesn’t it? Making homemade noodles for Thanksgiving.
If you could only have a sound-byte of what all occurred while these noodles were being created. Oh dear, it was a hard day.
I really don’t think it has anything to do with having four kids. I could be wrong, but I don’t think sheer numbers is the problem.
I think I’m the problem. I can’t seem to shake this cloud of anger hovering over me. I can’t seem to relax. I can’t seem to enjoy the moments of our day. And really, I should be, because they are very precious, very fleeting moments. I know this. In my heart I know how I need to be responding to my children. I know the mom I want to be. And sometimes I feel like I’m hovering over myself, watching myself behave the very way I wish I wasn’t.
I’m wondering if I’m dealing with postpartum depression or the baby blues. I’m not familiar with this, but I guess it would make sense. Anyone have any experience with that? After a week or so of this, I feel prayed out, and I feel helpless to change my emotions as they swing all over the place, and I feel disappointed that I can’t get my act together. I wonder if this is normal? More importantly I wonder how long it will last. And above all, I wish I knew how to give God control so I could start feeling consistently happy again. Do I just need to be thankful for His grace right now or is there more I could be doing to change my attitude?
I can say I am looking forward to eating these noodles with family in a couple days. So much ENERGY went into them that they can’t help but taste amazing. And maybe I’ll be on an emotional up-swing by then. Here’s hoping.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Baby, you are only two weeks out from having a baby! I would say this is normal and it will just take some time – and oh, we just moved half way across the country!
You are a trooper babe – we are going out to dinner to give you a break! Love you, leaving digerati headquarters to come get you guys!
Awe- you just need some free time/down time to relax and have some peace and quiet. I think this weekend will be great with family around to help. Sorry you had a tough day but those noodles look amazing!
Maybe we could go see a chick flick and let the guys watch the kids??
Hey I have been following your blog since our moves. I so can relate to everything you wrote. We need to get on the phone and talk. I have been feeling the same way, and too am ready to feel normal. Out of all the moves Clayton and I have made this one has been the hardest on me. I am forgetful, unorganized, short tempered, and overwhelmed. I am so ready for it to be over. I hope this helps even though it’s not postive and smiley faces.
Mandy, I had post-natal depression after I had my twins. I had 4 babies close together as you have. My eldest was 3yrs, and my second was just 22mths when my twins were born. The changes in your body over these past years… being pregnant.. etc… does take it’s toll. Plus you’ve had to deal with a couple of major moves in that time.
Don’t be a “trooper”. If you’re still like this in a couple of weeks, go get some help. Really. It took me several months before I got help and then it was through my Health Visitor who happened to make an impromptu visit at the exact same minute I was having a “moment”. Saying things that I didn’t mean…e tc.. won’t go into details here. It was rotten.
I had some good medication… some blood tests that established my hormones were all over the place and after another 6 months I was absolutely fine. It does take time.
Pray also for “diagnosis”. If it is post-natal depression, you need to know for sure. Hope that helps.x
Thanks for the love, support and encouragement. I’m glad I wrote this post. Feels good to read your comments.
I don’t know much about post-partem, but am well schooled in the department of not being the Mom I dreamed I was going to be, not being filled with the joy I crave so badly…I will keep you in my prayers!
Hang in there Mandy! Everyone is right. You just gave birth 2 weeks ago! Your body will take many more weeks to recover. Be kind to yourself. Do expect anything… from you or your kids. Get out of the house if you can. Di is right, my sister had post partum prety bad too. If you need to get some help that’s ok! Do it. You’ll feel better, the kids will feel better. Your not alone either. There are more women out there that know what you are going through than you think! Take care of you, because you can’t take care of the little ones if there isn’t a well mother.
Know we all love you and God will help you through it!
Hey Mandy, I’ve been there and done that. I don’t have 4 kids, but 2 out of my 3 have special needs and it’s ok to ask for help whether it be from your hubby, friends and family and God. You have a lot on your plate and nobody expects you to do it all on your own especially 2 weeks after giving birth. Don’t wait too long if you stay in your “funk.” God gave us doctors for a reason:)
You’ll be in my prayers.
Teri
I had three children in 19 months, and I remember the joy and fatigue of that time. I needed rest, a moment to pull the covers over my head and sleep uninterrupted. It wasn’t that I was a bad mom, but a tired mom. Addressing that need took away the feelings. Is there someone who can give you that two hours every few days? Love your writing by the way. I’m a writer, too. But the noodles? I can only wish I could make homemade noodles.
Just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and I can relate! After Eli was born, I went through similar stuff, and it took me a long time to seek support. Trust me, it’s better not to wait if you’re feeling like your emotions are out of your control. Sometimes just being able to have a moment away is all you need. And it’s so worth it. And everyone is right — you just had a baby 2 weeks ago! Give yourself some time to relax. I wish I could come out and watch your kids for a few hours to help out! I’d totally do it!
Anyways, I hope you feel more ‘normal’ soon. 
It is so normal what you are going though. I am praying for you and cant wait to have a play date after Thanksgiving=)
Mandy you’re my hero. Seriously! Just having had your 4th and moving across the country- again- ALONE gives you the right to curl up in a ball and just sleep for weeks! If only babies could just wiggle their way over to feed themselves and then magically change their own diapers! (Haha!) I’m praying for you! I’ve been struggling lately too with frustration and anger and just not being happy in my current situation when I feel I have no right to complain b/c of all the blessings in my life. But in everything we are being taught something (as YOU know). But DON’T be afraid to speak up and ask for help, to take a nap, to get out of the house for a while, etc. DON’T think you are ANY less of an AWESOME mommy b/c you feel this way sometimes. Your kids will be BLESSED to see their mom taking care of herself and not just them!
Ps- Homemade noodles? Seriously my hero!
Aww, sorry to hear you’ve hit a rough patch. And I’ve been that way with just one, so you’re probably right on the numbers. You’ve already got lots of great advice here, so I’ll just add that I’ll be praying for you. Take care!
I've enjoyed reading your blog. I met you at the last Parenting Q & A. It seems we share a lot of same passions in life. It is just hard to keep it all up with little ones. My mom is my rock and reminds me all the time that all that "stuff" that gets in the way of my kids will not matter someday. I know it's hard when you think you will lose yourself. It sounds like God is really working on you though – you'll figure it out! I know it has been an amazing journey for me.
Mandy, I read your blog once in a while and when I saw this one I had to comment. As others have said I can totally relate. Having Baby #4 has been much hard than I imagined. This season of our life has so many joys, difficulties, and expectations, not to mention horomone changes. I have realized that we as moms expect way to much from ourselves and I realized I had to lower my expectations in order to survive. Maybe that sounds bad, but there were some days I felt like I was drowning. With prayer and some Godly counsel I realized it was okay for me to lower those expectations and come to grips with the fact that I cannot do it all – or at least do it all without someone in the house becoming a casualty of my biting tongue. You are going to experience a lot of ups and downs over the coming months. Lean on your wonderful hubby and God’s all-sufficient grace!
Oh girl! I could tell you stories, but this box is too small. Give yourself at least 3 months at least before you expect to feel normal. After Connor was born I couldnt figure out why I was reacting so poorly to everything, but Scott reminded me something big just happened to my body and it needed time to recover. You’ll make it through! Praying for you!
Been there at times, still there at times and can totally relate. I’m going to email you shortly.
hi mandy! i’m from momys and hoping to join the study coming up – so checked out this post – i’ve felt like this so often, and i’m gradually learning things that help. – the most important one is prayer – i think pregnancy and post is a really spiritually vulnerable time as well as physically, as we heal up and “integrate” everything we’ve just been through (plus moving! we’ve moved every 2 years, so i know what a big thing that is!) – so, praying for strength, and especially praying blessing over your children, even aloud – does something to *you* – another really good thing is B vitamins
– they honestly help a LOT with stabilizing mood and just making the world seem a better place… I have a post on my blog about anger, too – kind of summarizing a talk i heard by S.M. Davis, but he had some helpful thoughts for me, and you might be helped by it?http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/mamazee/276278/
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