Shouldn’t This Be Easy?

by mandy on March 9, 2010 · 2 comments

{Photo credit here.}

The following is a guest post I wrote for Lifechurch.tv’s Church Online Blog.

The last week or so has been draining for some reason. As I look back through my journal I see lots of question marks, where I have talked to God, trying to figure out what is causing the turmoil in my life. I am lacking energy. I am lacking drive. I am lacking creativity. Colors seem duller. Normal weekly challenges seem like mountains. I don’t feel like doing any of the things that I typically find enjoyable. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, waiting for the unexplainable fog to lift from my life… {continue reading}

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Histories

by mandy on March 8, 2010 · 7 comments

In typical Steward-homeschool fashion, my kids came up with something great. Why is it that I stress over whether or not we’re doing school “right.” The days where I am chill and go with their flow are some of the best days we experience. This was no exception.

It started when Nehemiah wanted to play a “pick out all the sharpies in the marker basket and lay them in a row” type game. Then it became a “please can we draw on the biggest paper we have?” activity. Then out of the blue he asks me, how do you spell “Hulia.”

“Spell what, Nehemiah?”

“Hulia.” He repeats again, with added fervor.

“Ummm, I don’t know that word.”

“Just write it,” he says, “right here next to this guy.”

So I do as I’m told.

“What is a Hulia, buddy?” I ask him.

“He lives in the ocean. He eats seashells. And he eats girls’ earrings.” He tells me.

I tell him I better write that down so I won’t forget. I’m pretty impressed with his creativity.

He draws a red oval shape and takes his time coloring it completely in. He asks me to write the name “Fireball” beside it.

Zoe and Charis pick up on the “game” of Nehemiah’s, and they start drawing their own characters.

They fill entire poster-size pages with them. And then they ask me to write out the information as they dictate. It gets really fun and really imaginative.

Then, very last, Zoe names the “game.”

“Mommy? Can you write HISTORIES at the top of my paper?”

“Why am I writing HISTORIES?”

“Because these are all people that lived a long time ago and these are all their stories.”

“Ah, of course.” Brilliant.

A new creative game is born, and my homeschool panic-attack is put off for yet another day.

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Who Has Time For Condemnation?

by mandy on March 5, 2010 · 9 comments

Once upon a time there was a woman who lived a consistently messy life. She tried hard to hold things together, but in every new day, no matter how fresh it felt at the beginning, at some point she always came to the end of herself and was reminded of her need for help and hope and second chances.

Sometimes the need felt smaller. Sometimes the need felt overwhelming. Yesterday in her life the need was overwhelming. And today, still dealing with the “hang-over” of her sin, well today the need was overwhelming as well.

But this time, this time she knows that “trying harder” is not the answer. Re-doubling her efforts to not sin and adding more rules to her life will not bring her healing. It will just condemn her all the more the next time she falls. This time she knows that replaying the scenario again and again in her mind and wallowing in her guilt is also not the answer. There is an enemy who would like nothing more than to convince her that she is doomed. She must walk away from him, even if she can’t silence him, and the further she walks the quieter his voice will be.

This time she’s going to handle her messiness the right way. This time she’s going to use it for beauty, to paint a beautiful canvas with her messy paints. This time she’s going to let her messiness woo her to her Savior. She’s going to say, “Yes, yes, I do need you. Yes, yes I am thankful for your grace. Yes, yes I do choose to walk in faith, that what I’ve done in the dark can not survive in the light of what you’ve done.

This time, her mistakes are going to stir hope inside her and not condemnation. This time, her guilt is going to be transformed into overflowing joy. Because she is not dealing in the currency of eye for an eye, but rather in the currency of miracles and CHILDLIKE happy endings and unmerited favor. And who has time for condemnation when there is a life that full waiting to be lived?

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My Five Books

by mandy on March 3, 2010 · 9 comments

I’ve been thinking a lot about the books that have most affected my life. Perhaps they have come to me at just the right time or perhaps the authors and their woven words are just that fantastic. I like to think it’s a mixture of both.

To get to just five, I had to cut out a lot of wonderful books (like Bird by Bird, Writing Down the Bones, Blue Like Jazz, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, The True and the Questions, Messy Spirituality, etc.). But these five are so special to me. They have changed me, shaped me, helped me to step more boldly into myself. Here they are in the order I have read them:

THE LITTLE PRINCE – In high school I wrote my salutatorian speech based on this book. I painted our first child’s nursery with scenes from the Little Prince. I think it’s a book that allows my heart to believe in the CHILDLIKE spirit inside me, inside all of us. It’s a beautiful book.

THE SACRED ROMANCE – I was so fortunate to have John Eldredge as a professor my last semester of college. This book will forever mark a very personal step into my faith and a radical deepening in my relationship with God. It’s when my heart came alive again and color returned to life.

THE ARTIST’S WAY – Made me see “art” and “creativity” in a whole new light. Made me think about my heart, my dreams, my voice, my childlike soul and that believing in myself and who God created me to be was not selfish or conceited or foolish. It made me ask questions, take risks, dare to believe in more.

BOUNDARIES – I’m really still processing this one. I just finished it in January. And in truth, I don’t think I needed to read the whole thing. This book, for me, was really about catching the overall premise. Cloud and Townsend have lots of specific examples and stories of peoples lives, and not all of them were necessary to read, nor did all of them apply. But the overall idea, which I think is summarized here, is truly revolutionary to me. I’m in a stage of learning to say no and realizing that is okay. I’m also in a stage of learning that I can’t control others actions or responses, only my own. I ultimately am responsible for my life. This book, for me, is about learning to not be a people pleaser (basing my decisions on what others will think of me) and about learning to not control others. It’s about learning to be confidently responsible for doing the best I can with my own life and choices.

GALATIANS – I started reading Galatians, a book of the Bible, in November and I am still re-reading it in March. It’s written by Paul as a letter to the churches in Galatia. I have never in my life spent so much time in one book of the Bible. I just resonate with every word. Everyday it helps refocus me on what God is teaching me right now: FREEdom from guilt, FREEdom to be myself, FREEdom from comparison, FREEdom from rules, FREEdom from condemnation, FREEdom to talk to God personally and honestly, FREEdom from doing things the way they’ve always been done, FREEdom to trust discern and trust God’s Spirit as it leads me, FREEdom to do the things that I’m passionate about, FREEdom to make my life look like what I imagine it could look like, FREEdom from my IMPERFECTions, FREEdom to live CHILDLIKE.

I have felt silly sometimes, reading the same words over and over again, but I feel like God is asking me to keep reading them, until they sink in, until I believe them. Gosh, I may be in this book the rest of my life. It’s really good for my heart.

Please, tell me, what are the books that have changed your life? Maybe it’s one? Maybe it’s five? I’d love to have you share those with all of us in the comments below, or talk about them on your blog and give us the link.

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Taking Out the Trash (Or Creating With It)

by mandy on March 1, 2010 · 5 comments

In California cardboard trash could be recycled curbside. In Oklahoma however, we have to drive our cardboard somewhere to have it recycled. It’s just not going to happen. So I was trying to think of something we could do with all the cardboard that we accumulate. I started to collect it in our art closet, throwing all the smaller boxes and toilet paper tubes into a bigger cheerios box. At the end of 2 weeks we had quite a little stash, and so we pulled it out along with markers and tape and anything else my kids could find. It was fun to see what they combined.

Charis made a ship that she used for her little people and animals.

Zoe made a robot mask.

Nehemiah taped a box shut and Luther walked around in the middle of it all and hit his siblings with cardboard. A good time was had by all.

When they get done playing with what they made, we’ll throw them away and pull out the new stash I’m currently collecting. I think it’s fun for them to have some bigger materials on hand with which to build and invent.

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The Courage of Faith

by mandy on February 24, 2010 · 3 comments

I’m guest blogging at Church Online about the courage it takes to live a life with faith. Feel free to jump in with your thoughts in the comments there. I always love a good discussion about faith.

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Workjobs

by mandy on February 24, 2010 · 2 comments

When I first moved to Oklahoma and mentioned to some friends that I was interested in homeschooling, the name Cheryl Lange came up repeatedly. I hadn’t been here a month before I got to meet her. She was every bit as wonderful as was promised. A woman full of wisdom and knowledge and I soon became a fan. It’s nice to rub shoulders with people who can provide some direction, answer some tough questions and give me new things to consider and to challenge my thinking.

Cheryl has a ministry called Lodestar. I’ve been fortunate to attend a few of her workshops (I actually get to go to one this coming weekend!), and I always leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated to dive back into my version of homeschooling. My version being the one that uniquely fits our family. I don’t think homeschooling is for everyone, and I certainly don’t think there is one way to do it, but I do like to feel empowered and freed up to do the version of homeschooling I see in my head. A very laid-back, organic, curiosity driven, and creative environment. Cheryl makes me feel empowered. You gotta love people like that.

So anyway, Cheryl has a handful of books she always mentions. I think I’ve read nearly every one, especially early on when we were still trying to make our education decision. And finally with some Christmas money, at the beginning of this year I was able to purchase a few of the “activity books” that she always talks about. One of those is called Workjobs.

This past weekend we pulled this book out and I picked a few of the workjobs for us to make. They are basically teaching materials that once created can be used time and time again and my kids can do them with little to no help. We have started a workjobs box. I can imagine how fun it will be once we get a lot of these created. Like many of our homeschool ventures, we might do this for awhile and then tire of it, but for now, I hope we can make a couple of these workjob tools a week. And truthfully the book is stretching me creatively, making me think outside of the box of learning. I love that.

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I Can’t Enjoy You, I’m Trying Too Hard to Be You.

by mandy on February 22, 2010 · 16 comments

I like art. Big surprise right? I see it everywhere. I like splashes of color. I like textures. I like patterns. I like just the right grouping of words, just the right angle in a photo, just the right gathering of musical notes, just the right sprinkling of sugar on top of a scone. I like sharp contrast and messy edges. I like beautiful snippets from everyday life.

But there is this problem that sometimes weasels its way into my enjoyment of art. I suppose it could be labeled as envy. Yes, that is it, if it should be given a name.

It’s interesting to me that one of my strengths is that I am an achiever. And while that achieving strength is layered with all sorts of good qualities like having a great deal of stamina and being a hard driven, busy and productive worker, it also comes with what has been described as a “whisper of discontent.”

And here is where the interesting bit comes in…compare my strength with the definition of ENVY.

Envy – a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.

By nature, one of my greatest strengths can also rear it’s ugly head as one of my greatest weaknesses.

And I must confess, I have to fight that whisper of discontent as an artist because I have a hard time letting my favorite artists just be my favorite artists. If I discover some new art, I don’t want to just enjoy it, I want it as my own. I feel some sort of competitive spirit rise up within me, the winds of discontent begin to blow and I think, oh, I could make art like that. Surely. And then I seek to not only try and make that art, but to, in some ways, become that person.

This all came pouring out one night as I sat across from Tony in Panera watching him sip on a chai latte. I love how he can coax things out of me that I’m struggling with and then bring some sense and clarity and hope to it all.

So I think this post could really be a series of posts, as I seek to unearth the artist I really should be, instead of all the artists I have tried to be. But for now, let’s just start with this simple and incredibly humbling confession.

I am not Ali Edwards.

I am not Elsie Flannigan.

I am not Keri Smith.

I am not Sabrina Ward Harrison.

I am not Penelope Dullaghan.

I am not Donald Miller.

I am not Pomplamoose.

I am not my artistic contacts in Flickr or Twitter or Facebook.

I am not  _____.

And I have not been able to fully enjoy all of your beautiful art fully because there has been a piece of me, at one time or another, trying so hard to be you.

I am letting that go.

I am attempting to ignore my whisper of discontent, though I fear, in this life, I will never be able to completely silence it.

Even though I want to achieve it all, I realize that what results is me dangerously spinning my wheels. I flit from one art medium to another. I try and wear her shoes and then his shoes. I try everything and enjoy nothing. I don’t enjoy my art and I don’t enjoy others art. And that’s sad, because as I told you at the beginning of this post, I like art.

I am on a journey to find the artist Mandy Steward.

Can’t you see the central issue in all this? It is not what I do. It is what God is doing, and he is creating something totally new, a free life!

That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

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You Have to Grow Up

by mandy on February 19, 2010 · 6 comments

When we were in California on vacation it rained the whole first week. We joked that it probably rained more that week then it did the entire 2 years we lived in California. The first time there was a break in the rain, we went to the beach, even though it was really cold and cloudy. We weren’t going to miss it.

The break in the rain didn’t last too long though and we were sent running back to our nice cozy and warm beach house. We were so blessed by this home as it was stocked with toys, books and movies.We watched a lot of movies!

Tony and I found great humor in our movie selections at night. He would pick out a James Bond and I would grab a chick flick and we would head to separate TVs to enjoy our selection. Really funny.

One night I was enjoying some time alone with a bowl of ice cream and Sleepless in Seattle. Right smack dab in the middle of the movie I was reminded of my word for this year, CHILDLIKE. It was this quote that brought all sorts of emotions and thoughts flooding over me:

You have to grow up. You just can’t keep having all these adolescent fantasies about how exciting your life is going to be.

This is said by Meg Ryan’s character. She’s trying to talk sense into herself. Trying to convince herself she needs to stay with the man she is engaged to even though it doesn’t feel right and even though it feels like there is so much more her life wants to be.

How often do I find myself in this very battle as I try to squish my faith into a reasonable box? I want to believe in so much more. I want to believe life is epic, the journey is of grand proportions, God is romancing me, calling me into great adventures and yet, you have to grow up. Right?

I am thankful that thus far in my life, I have always been able to make it over the hump of these feelings. Much like Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle, something always shakes me out of my “sensible thinking” and thrusts me back into fantasies and dreams. I hope this continues for the rest of my life. That I never lose the hope that propels me back into my childlike desires, my belief that there is so much more.

Last night I met a little two-year-old girl who kept telling me she was Wendy, from Peter Pan. She would giggle and throw her beautiful long blond hair over her shoulder in an innocent excitement and I really believe she thought she was Wendy, capable of floating off to Neverland at any given moment, hand-in-hand with Peter Pan.

A part of our heart always needs to believe we are capable of floating off to Neverland at any given moment. It is hope coming alive within us. It is believing the dreams inside us might actually be possible. It is that radical idea that maybe we don’t actually have to grow up. At least not entirely.

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I Have A Shocking Confession…

by mandy on February 17, 2010 · 3 comments

I’m not childlike.

OK, maybe every now and again I manage to channel my inner-child and actually live out my life with some sort of carefree, curious spirit. But it is for just a moment. Most days I am so adult.

I don’t like to make messes.

I don’t like to make mistakes.

I don’t like to do things without a purpose…a purpose that is worth my time, effort and focus.

I don’t lose track of time while playing, experimenting, exploring.

I don’t follow creative urges if they are going to take my day off course.

And you want to know the strangest thing about it all? I want to do all of the above.

I sat down today to do some drawing. I had a journal, a pen, and all I could do was just stare at them. Nothing came to me. I was blocked. I sorted my kids bookshelves instead, my empty journal and pen sitting beside me, quietly waiting.

I think being an artist and being childlike go hand in hand. I think there is something powerful about tapping into that childlike curiosity. You have to be willing to let a lot go, a lot of the stuff we pride ourselves on as adults.  You have to be FREE. You have to be okay with being IMPERFECT. (Are these words sounding familiar?) And you have to be beautifully naive. Naive to all the adult tasks that call to us. Naive to reason. Naive to success.

I know this stuff. This is not new revelations I’m turning over here. So why is it so incredibly hard to live it? Is it even possible with my DNA? Can I really become more and more childlike? Can I somehow get back to the bits of me I have long since let go of?

This quote that I read somewhere keeps coming to mind:

We must create what we most need to find.

I have to find a way to be childlike. I’ve been reaching for it in so many venues of my life. Through writing, through designing, through reading, through conversations with God. But I’m ready to sink into it even more. I’m not sure how or what this will look like. I wish someone could say to me, “All you have to do is X, Y and Z.” Wouldn’t that be amazing?

It’s not going to happen.

Instead I must create a solution. I must spend 2010 getting my hands dirty, so as to create what it is I so need to find. I can only hope this journey will make interesting and inspiring blogging. I can only hope some of you will be searching for something similar in your life. Those of you are with me, feeling the tension of adult life while secretly pining for childlike living, let’s try and find another way. There has to be another way. God, please show us another way.

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